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:icontalkin-silence: More from talkin-silence


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March 2, 2013
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I like you.

I can't be more pleased when you look at us, and tell us that in each of us,
in our veins that we want to cut open,
in our bones that we have broken,
in the wounds that we have mended,
and that in our feet that are two sizes too big,
that we all have a little bit of stardust in us.

It reminds me, that I can in fact love someone for who they are, all their words, and all of ones grins and laughs, and French.

How you always say, there is a little bit of worm in you, and look at that in your brain, what used to be a fly is floating in there. You say that with enthusiasm, like there was something good in that.

In all of us.

And you always talk about your children in that reminiscing way, like they have died.

I hope you find what you are looking for in this place, because I believe you deserve it.

You are everything I would like in a friend, and I don’t understand why she would do that to you.


But then again, it’s nice to break a perfect person’s heart, ain't it?

.

When I first saw you I liked you. All chubby and fresh faced, you remembered my name first and you tell me, you smile a lot, I like that.

I think I stopped smiling after that.
I don’t want to be the one who smiles so much and cries inside. I was excited at all that could be.
Possibilities, boys, and happiness, if I dare say.

You say all these things and I don’t understand, I don’t, I don’t but you just would tell me.

All these things you claim you do, you talk and talk, but fuck.


You certainly don’t speak.


It’s hard to love you because honestly, you took away one of the few things I ever loved about myself, even if it wasn't lovable enough for everyone else.

.

Your lame jokes and your short skirts get me thinking about you.

You talk in math equations and graphs and I don’t mind it.

Your constant eye on me makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like maybe I can talk in algebra one day. What is algebra anyway? Bunch of letters assigned to number that mix the un-mixable. Mix the hated with the loved, mix the bitter and the sweet.

You say the most outrages things and even if I was born to alphabet speaking parents, I can’t help but adore your equations.
I wish I could use mathematical equations to solve you and figure you out, fill in the spaces with those exhausting alphabets.

.

I am pleased with this, A very honest piece about the three new people in my life right now. My teachers.
I have started college, and well, this is about my teachers, the three of them and all their ways. The first one teaches biology, second English, and third, some weird math subject. I love the first one, and even writing about him almost brought me to tears. And I love him as a teacher. nothing else.
:O_o::jarkinajar: haha
Critiques please?

Written for them:<[link]>
critqued!:<[link]>

CRITQUE:

- Was the piece easy to follow?
- What was your first impression?
- What do you think about it. Like really think about the piece.
- How was the styling of the piece? Did you like it? Did you not? why?
- Are there any teachers you can relate this piece to in your life?
- Any general improvement that I need?
:iconevilpixiea:
EvilpixieA Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Student Writer
I liked it. I didn't love it. But like a baby wobbling around on its feet the first time it is already worming its way slowly into my heart.

-Was the piece easy to follow?

No. But why would you want it to be? The complexity of it is interesting. The stark difference of the characters you describe and the fragmented insights into the main character make it so. I like that I had to doable back and read certain parts again, I like that it wasn't overly obvious or explained, I liked that it was a tangle of spaghetti and not the lines of a notebook. It wasn't always the easiest thing to read but that is where its charm lies.

- What was your first impression?

I was intrigued. I mean, who are these people? Who is the main character? What is the story? What is going to happen next? How does title even begin to define the story?

- What do you think about it. Like really think about the piece.

I think it isn't perfect. There are parts I fumble, there are parts I just don't care about, but the overall idea has me interested. Perhaps only because it is a short story however. If this were the first few pages of the novel I would put it down. Not because the writing is bad but because the hook of it is the questions it raises. In a novel those questions would come with the promise of an answer. I don't really want to know the answers, honestly. I just want to enjoy the trip-fest which is trying to figure them out.

- How was the styling of the piece? Did you like it? Did you not? why?

I didn't like the first segment. It read more like poetry and the style seemed less defined than the other two. The writing was good and the visuals were even better but the styling... not a fan.

- Are there any teachers you can relate this piece to in your life?

No. None. Not a single one. But perhaps that is because you describe them in such a... quirky and individual light.

- Any general improvement that I need?

Usually I pester people about word repatriation, text walls, and obese sentences. You have none of these. In my mind that proves you've already a cut above. There is nothing 'general' I can say about this.
Reply
:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I quite like this piece. The first section is definitely the strongest and I for one would be interested in hearing more about that relationship in particular.

- Was the piece easy to follow?

I thought so. It was clearly about three different people. I would, however, perhaps try to incorporate their subjects a little more strongly. The second piece is particularly weak in that regard - I would have had no idea what kind of teacher that was without the artist comments.

I think you could also use a little more clarity and/or expansion in some places. This line for instance: I don’t understand why she would do that to you. is very intriguing, but I have no idea what you're talking about. A wife? Girlfriend? It comes off as something from his personal life, so it also makes me wonder how a student knows about something like that.

The second section confuses me a bit as well - it's not clear why the narrator stopped smiling. I don't follow what was "taken away" from the narrator. Really, the second section in general could use the most polishing.

- What was your first impression?

"Oh yeah, I'm definitely commenting on this."

- What do you think about it. Like really think about the piece.

I think it's a good piece, but has the potential to be a lot better :) Your first section especially; I think you could make that into a standalone piece if you really wanted to. Maybe dig into Biology and find some interesting metaphors to craft for that relationship and how it grows.

- How was the styling of the piece? Did you like it? Did you not? why?

You kinda have a prosetry thing going on, which I really like. Again, this shines in the first section where you're breaking the lines, but the other two pieces have their own poetic qualities. Personally, I'd love to see you play with the lyricism of the piece, but if you'd rather have more narrative then that's a perfectly good way to go as well. It depends on what you want to get out of the piece.

- Are there any teachers you can relate this piece to in your life?

I write about a particular professor of my own far too much actually, so that's a certainty :lol: It's actually why I stopped on this piece in the first place - I know this feeling, of finding something human in people you weren't expecting, very well. That dynamic is fascinating to me and I think this piece is well on it's way to getting to the heart of what that sort of relationship is like, and how to balance professionalism with friendliness :)

- Any general improvement that I need?

Mostly I'd just like to see more - more of the narrator's (your) character, more of the teachers, more about how the relate to each other. Granted, they are new people in your life, so you may not have those details yet, but I could certainly see you coming back to this a few months later with more perspective. I'd love to know if you do anything further with it :D
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